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San Andreas Most Wanted 1: Donny Dangerous

egergegHere at San Andreas Alternative News we like to keep the people informed, but we also like to keep the people safe. The streets of Los Santos aren’t always glitz, glamour and plastic smiles. After dark things can take a turn for the worse. Think of it like a Burger Shot meal; you sit down to eat your greasy burger in a brightly lit restaurant, you feel safe and warm inside. A couple of hours later you’re walking home and you hear a bang, suddenly your stomach is gurgling and brown liquid is exploding from an unpleasant place. That’s Los Santos all over.

Which is why we’ve decided to dedicate our time and risk our lives to make sure you are aware of the unpredictable, unsavoury characters roaming the streets. It’s in your best interests to pay attention so that when you’re cruising down the freeway in your Bravado Banshee convertible, you’ll know who to hit with your car at full speed. And remember, it never hurts to reverse over the body just to make sure they aren’t going to get back up and shoot you in the face.

DonnyName: Donovan ‘Donny’ Wilson

Age: 42

Height: 5’10

Don’t be fooled by the pink hair and confused expression, Donny Wilson is a menace to society. With a criminal record dating back to the early 90s and a list of friends connected to high-level gangster activity in Los Santos, Donny is the kind of person you should not approach under any circumstances.

Currently on the run for the following crimes: Assault, murder, theft, armed robbery, driving under the influence, collateral damage, drug abuse, grand theft auto.

Donny 2 What makes Donny unique, and the reason why he hasn’t yet been caught by the LSPD, is the way he disguises himself. He has a habit of changing his clothes on the fly. In the space of an afternoon he is able to dye his hair, put on a new suit and somehow acquire police crime scene tape to use as a bizarre mask. Some officers have stated that Donny steals crime scene tape as a way of taunting the LSPD, others believe he’s simply a drunken manic-depressive who doesn’t know where he is. In any case, I was able to get some lucky shots from a distance with my new iFruit camera.Donny 4Known largely for kicking cars, stealing pocket change and swearing at traffic with no regard to his own safety let alone that of others. If you happen to come across this loosely-wired goon you should immediately dial 911 and find somewhere safe to hide. In extreme cases, Donny has been witnessed driving military tanks, construction dumper trucks and ambulance helicopters although we have absolutely no idea how he came into possession of such vehicles.

Donny 3

Picture courtesy of 24|7 convenience store security cameras ltd.

This has been an all new “Most Wanted” feature for San Andreas Alternative News. Stay tuned for further details on crime and politics in San Andreas, and stay safe out there.

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Los Santos Crimewave Hits New High

Crime in Los Santos has reached an all-time high this year as civilians face unprecedented levels of fear and misery.

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According to figures reviewed by the Los Santos Police Department, reports of theft, assault, homicide and drug trafficking have all increased significantly in the last six months alone. This has alarmed some economists who warn that global economic and social collapse is imminent.

 

Crime 1Factory worker beats colleague into coma following heated sports team argument.

 

But some say otherwise. Mayoral candidate Sue Murry released a statement this week insisting that the high crime rate is a direct result of “slack, demotivated, poorly trained police officers”. Her solution? More cops.

“I think it’s important to understand that these officers are dealing with criminals who are armed terrorists. These criminals are active and vehemently refuse to obey martial law and therefore we must exterminate them for the safety of the American public.”

 

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Drug deals taking place 24 hours a day, 7 days a week in the ghettos of Los Santos.

 

New legislation is currently being written to enforce police officers with advanced weaponry and extensive anti-terrorist training. The bill, if passed, will see cops holding the power to shut down entire neighbourhoods and perform random house-to-house searches without a warrant or due cause.

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In the meantime, petty theft and drug deals will remain rife in Los Santos while the police force focus their attention on terrorist gangs and multi-millionaire criminals.

Crime 2Poorly paid migrant worker resorts to breaking into cars to feed his family of twelve across the border.

As the government prepares for martial law, banks and insurance companies tighten their security after an anonymous phone call announced that “many heists are coming, no corporations will be safe and not a penny will remain in your vaults” during the San Andreas Alternative News ‘Call-In’ segment this Wednesday. Is this a warning of things to come or simply a prank call designed to strike fear into the minds of seemingly fearless billionaires? Stay tuned in to SA:AN to find out.