Tattooist Fears Evil Lizard People

A passionate and well known tattooist in the Blaine County region of San Andreas has been stood on a chair in his tattoo parlour for three days straight.


Lizard 1


Dwayne Morcombe, who has tattooed a wide range of people including gangsters, bikers, businessmen and hicks, claims that he saw an “infant lizard man” crawl across the floor of his parlour. He spoke to our Blaine County correspondent Perry Wellows.

“I was sticking some new designs up on the walls when I saw a shape out of the corner of my eye. I turned and saw a little green lizard boy with sharp fangs and scaly skin. He looked like a baby and he stared right into my eyes. He hissed at me and that’s when I jumped up on a chair.”


Lizard 2


When we asked Dwayne how long he’d been stood there, we were surprised to learn that it was almost three days.

“I’ve been here since Monday morning, man. I’ve been peeing in my needle cleaner bottles and humming the Simpsons theme tune to stay sane. That thing is still in here somewhere, I can feel it.”


Although we could not confirm any official sightings of the apparent lizard creature, our team was able to speak to Dwayne’s mother who lives in Blaine County not far from his parlour. She had this to say:

“I kicked him out. The meth habit was too much for me to handle. He would come home at five in the morning wearing animal costumes soaked in urine and blood. I don’t want anything to do with him, he’s no son of mine!”


Lizard 3


We offered to help Dwayne get down from his chair and medical professionals were outside monitoring the situation. He currently refuses to move through fear of being eaten by reptilians. As we prepared to leave, Dwayne had one last message he wanted to share with the people of San Andreas.

“I’ve seen them, they’re out there. And they’re getting braver. Don’t think that you’re safe. Get up high, live in a top story apartment. They don’t like climbing, they told me so in a dream one night. They want to consume human flesh and blood, it’s a delicacy to them!”


This is San Andreas Alternative News. Don’t let the lizard people bite your ankles, and try to sleep peacefully.


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