Infamous Latino wrestler “El Doloroso” (Spanish for “The Painful”) spends his free time eating greasy burgers at dodgy roadside diner trailers.
The 54-year-old former ECW champion began his career in 1996 when wrestling was on the up. At 36, he was one of the eldest newcomers to the wrestling scene but that didn’t stop him from winning more than three quarters of the matches he fought in.
While at the height of his career in 1999, El Doloroso sustained a back injury that would cost him his future wrestling career. Although details are shady, some reports suggest that the injury was a result of [too many backflips off taco vans]. El Doloroso was famous for celebrating his wins by climbing onto the roof of a Taco Bomb van and performing a dangerous backflip in which he would often land on his back. I asked El Doloroso about his fond memories as a wrestling legend:
“I was the King of wrestling, hombre. Nobody would challenge me, I was feared by many men. You understand? I could break a man’s hand in so many places, he never want to touch his wife again because of the pain. I made life painful for many, I am The Painful.”
“My career still strong, my friend. If I want to return to wrestling they could not say no. I only do not go because I am busy, you see? I have a new job as fast food security man.”
Justin Bieber look-a-like and fast food worker Denny Martins told a slightly different version of events as to why El Doloroso spends so much time at this particular fast food trailer.
“The guy won’t leave, dude. He comes here every day. He just eats… and eats. I haven’t seen one man eat so many fried chili dogs in my life. When I tell him we’re out of dogs, he gets aggressive. He shouts in Spanish and kicks trash cans into the road. I call the police sometimes but all they do is throw him in a cell for the night. The next day he’s right back here again. He’s actually buying so much of this food that he’s paying for my part-time college education right now so I guess I can’t complain.”
We contacted the WWE and asked if there was any chance for some kind of tribute ceremony to celebrate El Doloroso’s eventful career. They had this to say:
“We regret to inform you that Esteban Lorenzo, famously known as El Doloroso, has been ordered by the court of Los Santos to remain at a minimum of five miles away from WWE venues and buildings at all times. Failure to uphold this agreement will result in legal action being taken against Mr. Lorenzo. He is fully aware of these rules and continues to abide by them. Unfortunately, we cannot allow this man entry into our establishment as he has previously been a danger to several of our employees.”
I asked El Doloroso to comment on his “sanctioning” from the world of WWE and he declined to make a statement. At this point, El Doloroso challenged me to a wrestling match to [determine who was the alpha male]. I respectfully patronised the 54-year-old fast food addict by reassuring him that he is, of course, still the King of manliness.
While it’s certainly sad to see a prior wrestling master becoming a senile heart attack waiting to happen beside a hot dog trailer, a part of the magic that made El Doloroso such a feisty hard man still remains. I can guarantee that if you go out into Blaine County and find this man, you will leave with at least one black eye and a little bit of sympathy upon challenging him.
El Doloroso: Former wrestling legend turned manic depressive food addict. Who’d have thought it? Until next time, this has been a special Celebrity report for San Andreas Alternative News.