Los Santos Crimewave Hits New High

Crime in Los Santos has reached an all-time high this year as civilians face unprecedented levels of fear and misery.

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According to figures reviewed by the Los Santos Police Department, reports of theft, assault, homicide and drug trafficking have all increased significantly in the last six months alone. This has alarmed some economists who warn that global economic and social collapse is imminent.

 

Crime 1Factory worker beats colleague into coma following heated sports team argument.

 

But some say otherwise. Mayoral candidate Sue Murry released a statement this week insisting that the high crime rate is a direct result of “slack, demotivated, poorly trained police officers”. Her solution? More cops.

“I think it’s important to understand that these officers are dealing with criminals who are armed terrorists. These criminals are active and vehemently refuse to obey martial law and therefore we must exterminate them for the safety of the American public.”

 

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Drug deals taking place 24 hours a day, 7 days a week in the ghettos of Los Santos.

 

New legislation is currently being written to enforce police officers with advanced weaponry and extensive anti-terrorist training. The bill, if passed, will see cops holding the power to shut down entire neighbourhoods and perform random house-to-house searches without a warrant or due cause.

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In the meantime, petty theft and drug deals will remain rife in Los Santos while the police force focus their attention on terrorist gangs and multi-millionaire criminals.

Crime 2Poorly paid migrant worker resorts to breaking into cars to feed his family of twelve across the border.

As the government prepares for martial law, banks and insurance companies tighten their security after an anonymous phone call announced that “many heists are coming, no corporations will be safe and not a penny will remain in your vaults” during the San Andreas Alternative News ‘Call-In’ segment this Wednesday. Is this a warning of things to come or simply a prank call designed to strike fear into the minds of seemingly fearless billionaires? Stay tuned in to SA:AN to find out.

Celebrities Then and Now: El Doloroso

Infamous Latino wrestler “El Doloroso” (Spanish for “The Painful”) spends his free time eating greasy burgers at dodgy roadside diner trailers.

 

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The 54-year-old former ECW champion began his career in 1996 when wrestling was on the up. At 36, he was one of the eldest newcomers to the wrestling scene but that didn’t stop him from winning more than three quarters of the matches he fought in.

 

While at the height of his career in 1999, El Doloroso sustained a back injury that would cost him his future wrestling career. Although details are shady, some reports suggest that the injury was a result of [too many backflips off taco vans]. El Doloroso was famous for celebrating his wins by climbing onto the roof of a Taco Bomb van and performing a dangerous backflip in which he would often land on his back. I asked El Doloroso about his fond memories as a wrestling legend:

 

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“I was the King of wrestling, hombre. Nobody would challenge me, I was feared by many men. You understand? I could break a man’s hand in so many places, he never want to touch his wife again because of the pain. I made life painful for many, I am The Painful.”

“My career still strong, my friend. If I want to return to wrestling they could not say no. I only do not go because I am busy, you see? I have a new job as fast food security man.”

 

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Justin Bieber look-a-like and fast food worker Denny Martins told a slightly different version of events as to why El Doloroso spends so much time at this particular fast food trailer.

“The guy won’t leave, dude. He comes here every day. He just eats… and eats. I haven’t seen one man eat so many fried chili dogs in my life. When I tell him we’re out of dogs, he gets aggressive. He shouts in Spanish and kicks trash cans into the road. I call the police sometimes but all they do is throw him in a cell for the night. The next day he’s right back here again. He’s actually buying so much of this food that he’s paying for my part-time college education right now so I guess I can’t complain.”

 

Wrestler 6El Doloroso “The Painful” at the height of his career in 1998, months before his back injury.

We contacted the WWE and asked if there was any chance for some kind of tribute ceremony to celebrate El Doloroso’s eventful career. They had this to say:

“We regret to inform you that Esteban Lorenzo, famously known as El Doloroso, has been ordered by the court of Los Santos to remain at a minimum of five miles away from WWE venues and buildings at all times. Failure to uphold this agreement will result in legal action being taken against Mr. Lorenzo. He is fully aware of these rules and continues to abide by them. Unfortunately, we cannot allow this man entry into our establishment as he has previously been a danger to several of our employees.”

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I asked El Doloroso to comment on his “sanctioning” from the world of WWE and he declined to make a statement. At this point, El Doloroso challenged me to a wrestling match to [determine who was the alpha male]. I respectfully patronised the 54-year-old fast food addict by reassuring him that he is, of course, still the King of manliness.

While it’s certainly sad to see a prior wrestling master becoming a senile heart attack waiting to happen beside a hot dog trailer, a part of the magic that made El Doloroso such a feisty hard man still remains. I can guarantee that if you go out into Blaine County and find this man, you will leave with at least one black eye and a little bit of sympathy upon challenging him.

El Doloroso: Former wrestling legend turned manic depressive food addict. Who’d have thought it? Until next time, this has been a special Celebrity report for San Andreas Alternative News.

Wrestler 3“Three chili dogs with cheese, hombre. Do it now, don’t make me break those fingers, comprend√©?”

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Tattooist Fears Evil Lizard People

A passionate and well known tattooist in the Blaine County region of San Andreas has been stood on a chair in his tattoo parlour for three days straight.

 

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Dwayne Morcombe, who has tattooed a wide range of people including gangsters, bikers, businessmen and hicks, claims that he saw an “infant lizard man” crawl across the floor of his parlour. He spoke to our Blaine County correspondent Perry Wellows.

“I was sticking some new designs up on the walls when I saw a shape out of the corner of my eye. I turned and saw a little green lizard boy with sharp fangs and scaly skin. He looked like a baby and he stared right into my eyes. He hissed at me and that’s when I jumped up on a chair.”

 

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When we asked Dwayne how long he’d been stood there, we were surprised to learn that it was almost three days.

“I’ve been here since Monday morning, man. I’ve been peeing in my needle cleaner bottles and humming the Simpsons theme tune to stay sane. That thing is still in here somewhere, I can feel it.”

 

Although we could not confirm any official sightings of the apparent lizard creature, our team was able to speak to Dwayne’s mother who lives in Blaine County not far from his parlour. She had this to say:

“I kicked him out. The meth habit was too much for me to handle. He would come home at five in the morning wearing animal costumes soaked in urine and blood. I don’t want anything to do with him, he’s no son of mine!”

 

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We offered to help Dwayne get down from his chair and medical professionals were outside monitoring the situation. He currently refuses to move through fear of being eaten by reptilians. As we prepared to leave, Dwayne had one last message he wanted to share with the people of San Andreas.

“I’ve seen them, they’re out there. And they’re getting braver. Don’t think that you’re safe. Get up high, live in a top story apartment. They don’t like climbing, they told me so in a dream one night. They want to consume human flesh and blood, it’s a delicacy to them!”

 

This is San Andreas Alternative News. Don’t let the lizard people bite your ankles, and try to sleep peacefully.

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Ammunation Special: Gun Love

Gun sales sky rocket as a new wave of personal liberty hits San Andreas. Citizens are more vocal about the second amendment than ever before.

 

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Thousands of regular citizens flock to local Ammunation stores intent on gearing up and protecting their right to freedom. Out of the dozens of Ammunation stores across the county, the one that has seen the biggest rise in gun interest is right in the heart of Los Santos.

I personally visited a couple of Ammunation stores and got the lowdown from proud gun dealers who want to encourage people of all ages and backgrounds to learn how to use a firearm.

 

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Jack Dickson, 49 year old professional marksman, hunter and rifle enthusiast, owns and runs the most successful Ammunation store in San Andreas. He had plenty to say:

“People need to know that guns are not scary, you know? They ain’t these big dangerous tools of death, they won’t directly attack anyone. There’s some crazy myth that guns just open fire and shoot the moment you pick one up! It don’t make you a criminal to hold a gun, it’s what you do with it that defines who you are.”

 

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“I sell everything from shotguns to assault rifles to high-powered long distance snipers. Hell, we even have little dinky pistols for the ladies who want something discreet that can be tucked away in a handbag. Those snub pistols are real popular lately too, I sell maybe five of those every single day. The ladies love it, they feel empowered by it.”

“You ever tried cheatin’ on a woman who owns a gun and knows how to fire it? I have. My ex-wife shot off one of my testicles when she found me in bed with one of the dead deer I brought home. It weren’t no sexual thing, I was admiring my hunting prowess by stroking my trophy and that trophy happened to be an animal’s corpse.”

 

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“If you wanna drop in and chat about guns or learn more about firearm safety, feel free. Anyone is welcome here, and I mean anyone. Except cops, I have a strict no-law-enforcement policy. And don’t think you can walk in out of uniform ’cause I’ll smell the cop in you. I have a perfectly trained nose for scents.”

I got a coffee with Jack and we sat down together to discuss the more… advanced weaponry on sale.

 

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“Now, this here is the M134 Minigun. This baby will take down a helicopter in six seconds flat. It ain’t so popular in here, it costs a lot and it’s real heavy. But for those who do buy it, they turn themselves into a one man army. You see those Terminator films? This is the gun you’ll be wanting to emulate that.”

I also visited an Ammunation close to my apartment and spoke to Roger Pickles, a former Navy Seal who is slightly more cop-friendly than Jack.

 

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“I deal with off duty cops on a daily basis. They come in here complaining that the firearms they’re allowed to take home with them after work aren’t man enough. You know, those law enforcement pistols and shotguns, they’re standard issue but they don’t have automatic or long range capabilities. The good old AK47 is popular with these guys.”

“I had one cop come in and say his ‘dog’ was getting old and needed to be humanely put down. So he buys a classic AK47 and he’s out the door fast. The next thing I hear on the news, an off duty cop has lost his marbles and shot dead his entire family. Nothing to do with me, I say.”

 

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Sales of explosives have also been on the rise. Sticky bombs in particular, which are remote-detonated C4 plastic explosives, are in such high demand that they regularly sell out and have to be restocked by the truckload.

“If you want the power to defend yourself, your family and your home, come on over to Ammunation. For $35 I’ll issue you a firearm safety certificate and from there we can begin training you up. I’ll have you hitting between the eyes from sixty feet away in less than three hours and that’s a guarantee!”

“Gang bangers use rusty old SMGs and shotguns that jam up after three shots. Stay ahead of the urban competition and buy only the most reliable, dominant weapons available. They’re cheap, they’re built to last and they’re American. The second amendment is here to stay!”

 

 

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Take it from me, in a town like Los Santos where police brutality and gang warfare are tearing up the streets, you’re going to want to head to your nearest Ammunation and gear up. I’m a proud gun owner and hold an advanced marksmanship license sponsored by Roger at his Ammunation store.

Who knows, maybe we’ll run into each other over the counter. We can discuss the advantages of hollow point bullets and compare rifles. This has been an Ammunation special brought to you by San Andreas Alternative News. Stay vigilant and armed.

 

Sponsor

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Rat Meat Found In Popular Fast Food

An analysis of the quality of meat in sandwiches and wraps available at “Bite!” in the Los Santos business district has revealed that over 60% of what is supposed to be pork and chicken is actually rat meat.

Food scientists have conducted several studies into fast food sandwich chain “Bite!” after complaints suggested that the meat tasted strange and had a stringy, tough consistensy.

 

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“Bite!” boasts fresh wraps, sandwiches, snacks and drinks. Their slogan, “Wrap it up, swallow it fresh”, suggests that their ingredients are of high quality. However, a disgruntled former employee at “Bite!” came to SA:AN with his story. Our journalist Melissa Sting spoke to Jonathan Daity outside Ammunation, for some reason.

 

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“I was fired for stubbing out a cigarette on the counter after a long shift”, Jonathan explains.

“I worked there for three years making wraps and sandwiches. The boss is a real jerk, he would walk in with a gold watch shining in my face laughing about how much money it cost him. The guy loved watches and bracelets.”

 

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Speaking of the business district, Jonathan made some interesting remarks.

“You’d think that this place would be all posh and rich, right? The people walk around in suits and talk on their phones about how busy they are with their careers. All the while we’re serving them foul smelling meat and watered down electrolyte sodas and calling it ‘fresh’. Seriously, you’re better off eating tissue paper than the crap we were selling.”

 

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“The coffee place next to us was no better. I have some real juicy insider info on the quality of their so-called fine ground coffee beans. The lady who owns the place gets her preteen kids to make fake coffee beans out of cardboard and ground up brown crayons. I only know that because I’ve been banging her on weekends though.”

Melissa managed to track down “Bite!” manager Fast Richman (yes, that is his real legal name).

 

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“He’s a f*** liar. I’m going to sue his ass so hard he’ll be on the streets begging for change. Nobody crosses me. I have the best lawyer in LS and I am not afraid to use him”, Fast told us just before hastily leaving in a chauffeur-driven limousine.

Unable to speak further about the allegations, Fast has recently filed a lawsuit against SA:AN as well as Weazel News, Jonathan, and every scientist involved in the investigation into the meat being sold.

 

“It’s sick”, says Jonathan. “I discovered a nest of rats around the back of my workplace and my boss tells me it’s no big deal. I find skinned rat corpses in the freezer and I’m told to keep my mouth shut. But I stub a cigarette out on a counter and I’m fired? This guy’s priorities are as out of whack as his mental state.”

 

We advise all of you reading to go and look at the report on http://www.foodhealthsanandreas.com where they’ve written an indepth article on this issue and the dangers of eating possibly diseased rat meat. If you or someone you know has recently eaten at “Bite!” we strongly suggest visiting your doctor and requesting blood tests.

Remember to stay safe out there and only put something into your body if you know for sure what it contains. This is SA:AN signing off.

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Weazel News Journalist Found Dead

In what is being described as a shocking, tragic accident, a lone Weazel News political journalist has been found dead at the side of the road.

 

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Damien Ick, a thirty-six year old veteran journalist and broadcaster, was found shortly after seven in the morning on Thursday lying dead beside his vehicle. Cause of death is currently unknown.

Construction worker Ken Barrows was the first to discover the scene and immediately called the police. We briefly spoke to him about the event.

 

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“I was on my way to work. I just got out of Cheesy Pete’s, finished my breakfast burger and jumped in my truck. I turn the corner and there’s this dead guy taking up half the road. I beeped at him to move but nothing happened. That’s when I called the police on him. I figured they’d haul his ass into a cell but the next thing I know there’s cameras and helicopters all over.”

 

ImagePicture of Damien taken just two days before his death.

 

Damien was known as the lone journalist amongst co-workers. He was passionate about the truth and often lashed out at his own employers at Weazel News for refusing to cover stories he’d uncovered single-handedly. His death leaves behind a wife and young son who are said to be in a state of paralyzed trauma.

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Police are desperately calling for any witnesses to come forward as they don’t feel like putting in the man hours required to solve mysterious high profile murder cases. Autopsy and toxicology reports are due for release in the coming days.

We were lucky enough to have a few short words with Charlie Williamsworth, CEO of Weazel News and the man who initially hired Damien on his headstrong attitude.

 

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“This better be quick, I have my stockbroker on the line and I’m about to make millions out of this tragic story. Damien was a good guy, a little unhinged. I hired him to dish the dirt on my other Weazel News reporters, I thought it would make a good reality show. You know, co-workers turning on each other and all kinds of dirty personal secrets coming out. It was dynamite in theory.”

“But Damien… he was different. He didn’t care for the glamour, the free cocaine, the seedy sex parties. He wanted to drive head first into the truth and drag it into public view by the neck. Last I heard, he was trying to get together a team of guys to help him crack some government corruption story. Nobody wanted to risk their career so he took one of the Weazel News vans loaded with camera equipment and that was the last we saw of him.”

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Further research shows that a close friend of Damien’s, Frank Matini, was supposed to be accompanying him but conveniently caught a cold and had to stay at home.

 

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“Snot was literally pouring out of my nose. I was a mess, I couldn’t go anywhere. Not only that but my iFruit phone ran out of battery and I couldn’t find the charger. I can’t believe he’s dead, I will not rest until I find out what happened to him. Well… I still have some muccus in my throat so maybe I should wait until next week. I’ll miss you, Damien.”

If anybody has any leads on this, please let us know via sanandreasalternativenews@whackomail.net. If the threat of revealing government corruption can get a man killed, what would happen if their house of lies really did get exposed?

 

This has been San Andreas Alternative News. Pray for Damien Ick’s widow and bastard son, they need it more than we do.

24/7 Convenience Store Robberies At All-Time High

A chain of 24/7 convenience stores and gas stations are being hit by the biggest surge in criminal activity since the early 90s, it has been reported.

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The stores, which offer cheap fast food, alcohol and cigarettes amongst other items, were said to be making big profits in the last quarter of 2013. But in 2014 they have been repeatedly robbed and ransacked by various gangs in San Andreas.

Robert Whackson, a journalist for SA:AN, visited a 24/7 store in central Los Santos. He spoke to store manager and devoted 24/7 employee Lee Sung-Pao about his recent run-ins with dangerous gangsters.

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“Every night I come to work and pray I will not be shot in the head. My brother was killed in the 24/7 across the street from this one last year and I fear for my safety. I only want to sell out of date donuts and cheap German beer, it is my dream”, he said.

He went on to talk about the low, low prices that his 24/7 store boasts and even offered Robert a discount card. “You buy an EgoChaser bar, you get half off the next one”, Lee insisted.

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Talking specifically about the criminal activity, Lee explained that the gangsters who rob his store on a weekly basis are not at all the usual suspects. “These guys came in wearing monkey masks and bright jogging shorts. They had big guns, big shiny rifles and pointed them at my head. They screamed at me.”

“After I throw them the money in a bag, one of the men started to thrust his arms up and down while walking in circles. The other one drank four bottles of my reasonably priced beer and blacked out. Then I was knocked unconscious with a golf club.”

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“Finally, the first man went to the ATM and deposited twelve dollars. I tell him ‘You can buy three EgoChaser bars with that’ and he leaves. Next thing I hear is a loud sports car outside.”

Mr. Lee, although shaken by these events, claims that working in convenience stores is his passion and he would rather die than give it up. While his brother’s life was taken, Mr. Lee refuses to let thugs stop him from living his dream.

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“Redwood cigarettes a big seller in my store. I have the lowest prices in central Los Santos. Please visit, I need the money so my three daughters can afford to go to expensive American college and become lawyers.”

So, as you can see, Mr. Lee is a very passionate and brave man. Though crime in Los Santos is steadily rising, it seems some citizens really believe in their deluded ideas of working eighteen hours a day for multi-billion dollar corporations whilst staring down the barrel of a loaded gun seven days a week.

 

Good luck to you and your three daughters, Mr. Lee. We can only hope that you aren’t a pile of red goo on a 24/7 store floor this time next week. This is San Andreas Alternative News reminding you to watch your back when you go to buy a packet of smokes.

 

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